…He moved his head slightly and I caught a glimpse of his face. Saw the resignation in it. It was a look I had seen before. It was the look of the lamb.
As Hassan lay with his chest pinned to the ground, I could do nothing else but watch. The fear I saw in his eyes was a fear unlike no other. Hassan, the Hazara boy I had grown up with, had disappeared into the abyss of reality. In his place, a helpless lamb lay; ready to be slaughtered. This tragic look in his eyes was very unsettling, but again, I was unable to help.
The horrific screams Assef forced out of Hassan were sickening to hear. It was a sound that could never be forgotten. I kept hoping for the abuse to end so Hassan could be put out of his misery, but it seemed endless. I considered putting a stop to the torment myself, but my mind kept telling me otherwise. As Assef continued to rape Hassan, I silently thought to myself:
“I am speechless, completely speechless. I feel as though I cannot move, cannot breathe. Should I help him? Should I put a stop to his pain? God knows how many times Hassan has stood up for me when Assef and his ignorant followers have tormented me, but why am I finding it so dreadfully difficult to do the same? Should this not be an easy decision? No, this is definitely not an easy decision, and I think I know why. And I am awfully ashamed to admit it, but Baba is why. Baba is the reason why Hassan is suffering. Baba is the reason why I am suffering. Suffering from his endless insults and horrid behaviour towards me. It is all I have ever known. The acceptance I have so greatly desired from Baba all my life can finally be granted to me, and that fact cannot be silenced. But I must make a decision first. A life-changing decision that can destroy the one true relationship I have ever had, filled with thousands, millions of unforgettable memories. Or am I just fooling myself? Have I ever even considered Hassan as my friend? The answer is no, I never really have. Ali always said those who fed from the same breasts formed some kind of brotherhood, an inseparable bond. But was he speaking the truth? Who will ever know? Just like that, Hassan’s ordeal has forced me to make a life-altering decision. One that will have me choose between two individuals I have spent my entire childhood life growing up with: Hassan or Baba. Shall I swiftly grab the blue kite I so greatly earned from the kite-fighting competition and be on my way home, acting as though Hassan’s torment never occurred? Or shall I come out of my hiding spot and stand up for my so-called friend, Hassan? I have made up my mind. Hassan’s abuse will continue and I will not try to stop it. Do not get me wrong, I have always cherished the brotherhood Hassan and I have shared from the moment we were born, but I am not ready for the embarrassment that follows the revelation of our brotherhood. I know I am acting like a coward, but Baba’s acceptance will always be more important to me than any other friendship I may have. After all, Baba is my father, and no useless Hazara boy can change that.”
Amir's Monologue
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